I have sat in darkness. I have sat with my demons. I have sat screaming for relief. At my lowest, I felt like I was alone in my mind with thoughts that I could not control. They kept swirling, and all I did was sit. I vividly remember crying to the heavens asking why this was happening. I didn’t even understand who or what I was trying to connect with, but an intuitive knowing allowed me to let go. I yelled, “I want peace.” I didn’t know then, but I had just opened an invisible door to a journey of clarity and serenity.
You see, we always think we are alone. We are taught that individuality and being your own person is a blessing. And it is. But, somewhere the sense of “on your own” turned into “I am alone.” And, it does not matter how carefree or go with the flow you are, the fear of being alone creeps in on everyone. This is one of my childhood wounds that I have worked on healing for quite some time now. It is not that I cannot be alone because I can. It has come down to the fear of loving someone so deeply just to be left as quickly as they came. It is in this wound that I have experienced my most transformational changes to date. I think no one really understands the depth of what it means to feel alone, until you hit that rock-bottom-cry-help, as little or as big as that moment may be, and you have to face your loneliness head on.
But, here is thing. We all so desperately want that connection to another person or to be accepted into that crowd of people, that we subconsciously create this need to be complete from material experiences. We forget that the light has always been inside of us because we have been too busy searching for the light on the outside of us. Take my wound for example, I used to search for reassurance in places that I was constantly being rejected of it. And, it was in this rejection that made my need it even more. What I did not know was that I was creating these demons and insecurities around sources that would never fulfill me. The only thing that could fulfill me, is me. And, it was in that moment when I yelled, “I want peace” that the universe heard my willingness to change. It was in this complete alone state that I remembered that I was really never alone. I was just looking for the sense of wholeness in the wrong places. My inner guide, the universe, or whatever you want to call it, was always there. I created my loneliness because of the rejection I was receiving from the outside. BUT, THAT’S IT! There will always be rejection from the outside, until you face the rejection you have been placing on yourself from the inside. And, the rejection you have been placing on yourself is the rejection of the universe. Your rejection of love.
This brings us back to living through your fear soul center. You see when I cried for help, the universe heard me and because I was willing to change I finally listened. I did not want to live this life of darkness anymore. I think for a long time I tried to break free of it, but I didn’t know how. I have learned that it is not our responsibility of to know how. It is our responsibility to be willing. When we are willing, we invite the universe back into our lives. For so long I lived with my ego, completely unaware of the negative impact it was having on my life. All I knew was this never ending darkness that kept being triggered by people and situations out of my control. It was like I was living in a black hole, and the harder I tried to find relief the deeper I fell.
Light is the only antidote for darkness. It is pretty self explanatory. Just turn on the light. But, when you are in that state of loneliness, like no matter how many times you try to explain the thoughts in your head no one understands you, like you are one step away from walking off the bridge, that the light seems so far away.
I am here to tell you that it is not. It is right inside of you. It is around you in this very instance, and you are capable of turning on the light. You may not see the switch, but is there. I found mine in my complete surrender, in the moment I yelled, “I want peace.” The universe heard me, turned on the light, and in that dark hour I pulled myself up out of despair. I began my spiritual journey to inner peace and self love. Let me tell you, I have had to work on my connection to the universe every single day, and I am no where near where I want to be. But, when I look back and think of how long I sat with darkness, I am so immensely proud of the person I am becoming. And, it all started with my willingness to let the universe back into my life. Now, I didn’t know that’s what I did at the time. All I knew was that in that moment, a tremendous amount of relief came over me, and it wasn’t from anything or anyone on the outside. IT WAS FROM THE INSIDE.
This my ah ha moment. I think we all search for these moments in life, but are too blind to ever experience them. When we invite the universe in, we start to see again. It is almost like we are seeing for the first time. It took me years to walk through a door that was always right in front of me. All I had to do was be willing to take that first step, and in that moment of yelling to the heavens, I did.
The truth is, every single person struggles. This is what makes us human. This is what connects us. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all the same. That beautiful, all put together person on the train may be in an abusive relationship or your confident boss might be completely immersed in self doubt. We all have our own personal demons and fears. Some people are more aware of them than others. Some people have buried them so deep they can’t even feel them anymore, while others feel them everyday. But, the struggle is still there. The pain is still there. And, we all try to numb ourselves with relationships, drugs, food and whatever else can think of to take the pain away.
HERE IS THE AH HA MOMENT! You cannot take your pain away. The more you numb, the more you have to heal. The more you look with fear on the outside, the more you reject the love on the inside. The only way to be liberated from your pain is to feel it. When you are willing to feel it, you change it. It all starts with YOUR willingness because only then can the universe step in. I promise you the darkness is only temporary. It only consumes you if you let it. DO NOT LET IT ANY LONGER. Choose differently. Choose love.
No one wants to live in darkness. And, if you are someone like me who has, or still is, let this be a sign. You are not alone. There is a loving presence greater than us both waiting to guide you. Be willing, open the door, and walk through. The other side will be glorious. Peace, happiness, serenity and love are all waiting for you.